On being disabled
Rage in a broken body leading into the void
I am 100% disabled according to the strange formula employed by my federal government. That could change soon, as Trumpstain plans to dismantle veteran benefits. <sarcasm>So what if people like me rely on the benefits to survive? A small price to pay for MAGA, even if it kills quite a few of us.</sarcasm>
What does being a disabled veteran entail? I sometimes punch and kick my wife while sleeping due to my nightmares of war and the nature of being human. I scream and fall down sometimes due to a recurring back injury. Then I crawl around on the floor groaning. This lasts hours to days to weeks. I am never, ever free of pain. Even after almost 20 years, it surprises me how much pain I have learned to live with, and how when it spikes, my body simply says, “fuck you,” and surrenders to the pain. There are many other dysfunctions that I will summarize as: my body tells me it is done quite often, and at very inopportune times. I hold down a job, but I do not know how. Maybe because I have generous vacation and sick policies? In summary, my brain betrays me often because of the PTSD, and my body quits without warning. My left foot goes numb and my right foot feels like someone is stabbing me with needles. Sometimes my toes curl up and I only notice when I start to stumble while walking. My wife often points out that my limbs are trembling.
As of the last count I have access to, there are 1,362,000 veterans in similar circumstances in the USA. It took me a decade of fighting to prove that my dysfunctional existence was caused by service in war-time in order to get to the 100% disability rating. Others fight longer, and still get their benefits denied. The VA follows a massive set of complicated rules, and uses fake math to determine benefits or deny them. The convoluted system is intentionally designed to discourage veterans from applying in the first place. Someone navigating PTSD is the last person likely to be able to forge through a morass of bureaucracy whose default is to deny.
There is an industry devoted to assisting (and sometimes fleecing) veterans who cannot navigate the process without help. Luckily for all the veterans who already fought for benefits and won, the MAGAs put a con man in charge of the federal government. I am looking forward to screaming, falling down, and crawling around on the floor for days without any support.
Also, my wife, I apologize in advance and after the fact for lashing out at you in my sleep. Do not thank me for my service. That service broke me as a human being. I am rage and pessimism in a painful package. I wish it was something I could keep to myself, but that’s why so many veterans eat a gun, and I have reasons to live for now.
Now we come to the big issue. It is not my disability or my brokenness, or even my dark rage. The big issue is whether we demand government take care of everyone, or just those who already have more than enough resources to start. An American Kakistocracy is just around the corner, and it will be geared to giving the obscenely rich even more than they already have.
A kakistocracy (/kækɪˈstɒkrəsi/, /kækɪsˈtɒ-/) is a government run by the worst, least qualified, or most unscrupulous citizens. The word was coined as early as the seventeenth century.
Australian lexicographer Peter Bowler has noted that there is no word for the opposite, a government run by the best citizens, but that aristarchy may be the correct term for that. Still, it conceivably could be a kakistocracy disguised as an aristocracy.1
By the way, there is a legal firm stalking my posts on behalf of wealthy people who are trying to bankrupt me while lying about the facts in court. If you drop by frequently, now is a great time to consider buying a paid subscription (special offer below). Thank you for reading unless you represent “the Toxics” as a bought and paid for shyster. If you are one of them, fuck off. More to come on that particular situation. Naming names, and revealing motives, and so on.
As a disabled veteran, I do not take kindly to liars or con artists. No matter how many resources they have stolen from others, or how much they believe in their own lies and fabrications.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kakistocracy
It is a travesty that those who sacrifice the most get fleeced by those who have the most.
I have my pains, both mental and physical. The physical gets worse as I age. I’ve come to an accommodation with depression and anxiety as they are both milder than at their worst two decades ago.
All that is said in a small, pathetic kind of empathy for you. I am astonished at your strength as I know I have not suffered a scintilla of what you have. I have no PTSD - I think genetics and the usual suffering that all humans endure as a price for living is the cause of my situation.
You bring your maniacal country to life for me and I want to thank you for that. Your writing is a public service to those who share the depth of travail that you do, and a reminder to me to be eternally grateful that I live in Canada.
In the big picture, I believe Trump is the logical end to decades of predation in the United States. Canada could never produce a Trump sui generis (although we have a fairly serious collection of Trump wannabes). I trust they will be foiled, partly by our native caution, partly by our institutions, and partly because of the splendid /s cautionary tale to the south of us.
Hang in Pen. Pray that the incompetence outwits the very real malice. Please continue to be a recorder.