Nighttime horrors
A surprise attack at night and the monster that lives inside
This essay is very personal. I grew up in very poor countries. Specifically Bangladesh1 and then Haiti2. These are places where people routinely starve in the streets and die of every malady imaginable. I witnessed people being burned alive, having limbs chopped off, and being otherwise removed from the human population by other methods long before I was old enough to comprehend the human condition. I saw what utter poverty looks like and how it rips away the security and safety we all need to thrive. I also lived in Iraq3 and Afghanistan4, once in uniform and once as an armed contractor for the U.S. government. I’ve seen the gamut of the human condition, which is why I have PTSD. The human condition is pretty shitty for a lot of us. I have borne witness.
The effects of PTSD are different for each of us who has the diagnosis. The condition is known to change the brain physically but how that manifests in the body is different for everyone.5 Some of my symptoms over the years have included generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, chronic pain syndrome, bruxism (grinding my teeth while sleeping), panic attacks, chronic insomnia, GERD, IBS, and night terrors. Maybe that’s too much personal information, but I am not shy.
I am well-medicated and under the care of a VA psychiatrist and medical team to deal with my issues. Modern medicine can only do so much, however. Several nights ago, I had a lucid dream. In that dream, I was fighting for my life. The fight went on for a few seconds against a much larger opponent.
I was suddenly awake in my bedroom, listening to the sound of someone sobbing. The fight going on in my brain had transferred into the physical realm. I had full-force punched my partner in the back of her head. If her head had been at a different angle, I would have smashed her eye socket or broken her nose.
It was the most terrifying moment in my life. More terrifying than cowering in a bunker in Baghdad, listening to an ammunition depot nearby blow up. More terrifying than being charged by a madman bent on killing me in Kabul. More terrifying than the lake of fire my parents taught me I would burn in should I choose to reject their god and its rules.
In the moments when I was coming to terms with what happened and apologizing profusely, I wondered what I was becoming. How do I cage the monster that lives in my head? My partner quickly forgave me, but last night, she woke up and asked, “are you going to punch me again?” I quietly promised her I wouldn’t, and I ensured my hands were pushed under my body every time I woke up briefly in the night.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1971_Bangladesh_genocide
https://www.thenation.com/article/archive/terror-repression-and-diaspora-baby-doc-legacy-haiti/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iraqi_Civil_War_(2006%E2%80%932008)https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iraqi_Civil_War_(2006%E2%80%932008)
https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/article/17-documentaries-on-afghanistan-war-us-withdrawal-taliban-takeover/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3182008/
Penfist, I became a new subscriber because of your sharing about PTSD, and because of your religious journey.
First, as a combat medic in the 25th Infantry, in the Iron triangle of the "green latrine" I have been treated by the VA since 2001. Off the charts PTSD. I can verify and identify with every symptom and malady you listed, except the IBD and GERD stuff. As you say, we are all different; yet we seem to be almost cloned by our symptoms. Early in our marriage my wife and I had to take to separate beds, like the old black and white TV shows for her protection. It stayed that way for 50 years and 15 days, until I lost her in 2020. I frequently "low crawled" at night and relived firefights and when I hit her I vowed that would never happen again.
Second, as a retired minister in the United Methodist Church and having objectively studied many religions over a lifetime, I am open to the results of your journey and those of everyone else. I am done with organized religion myself, truly liberated from creed and dogma, yet I will study religions for the rest of my life, seeking wisdom wherever I can find it. There is a Creator that is not of human construction, and I am still:
"A traveler, on a sacred journey, through this one shining day."
(Richard Wagamese: Embers, One Ojibway's Meditations).
In short, I'm grateful to be here, and learn from your wisdom and your other subscribers. I will not always make comments unless they could be helpful, but I will be in community with all who are here. Thanks!
Penfist, I became a new subscriber because of your sharing about PTSD, and because of your religious journey.
First, as a combat medic in the 25th Infantry, in the Iron triangle of the "green latrine" I have been treated by the VA since 2001. Off the charts PTSD. I can verify and identify with every symptom and malady you listed, except the IBD and GERD stuff. As you say, we are all different; yet we seem to be almost cloned by our symptoms. Early in our marriage my wife and I had to take to separate beds, like the old black and white TV shows for her protection. It stayed that way for 50 years and 15 days, until I lost her in 2020. I frequently "low crawled" at night and relived firefights and when I hit her I vowed that would never happen again.
Second, as a retired minister in the United Methodist Church and having objectively studied many religions over a lifetime, I am open to the results of your journey and those of everyone else. I am done with organized religion myself, truly liberated from creed and dogma, yet I will study religions for the rest of my life, seeking wisdom wherever I can find it. There is a Creator that is not of human construction, and I am still:
"A traveler, on a sacred journey, through this one shining day."
(Richard Wagamese: Embers, One Ojibway's Meditations).
In short, I'm grateful to be here, and learn from your wisdom and your other subscribers. I will not always make comments unless they could be helpful, but I will be in community with all who are here. Thanks!